Calibri Banned From the United States in Times New Roman’s Bold, Hostile Takeover
Photo Credit: ddp USA/Rex Shutterstock by Bone Jawnson This past week, the United States has seen the worst hostile takeover of a font since the Cracker Barrel Crisis of 2025. Marco Rubio, the nation’s Secretary of Hate—I mean, State—put the kibosh on the woke font Calibri, which had been included in federal government websites and other stuff. Calibri, deemed to be the wokest font of them all, was kicked to the curb for the tradwife of fonts: Times New Roman. While Calibri was unavailable for comment, we spoke to a few other fonts to get their input. Impact definitely had strong opinions about the sudden switch, stating, “Look, I know I’m only good for titles and headers and whatnot, but damn—I did not see this coming for Calibri. They never really had any kerning issues or anything!” We also caught up with Bookman Old Style about the sudden swap-out. They stated, “Back in my day, fonts stood strong—big and bold. None of this Comic Sans or Wingdings nonsense…” When queried ...