Outrageously Obvious News

  by Bone Jawnson LANSDALE, PA — This week, President Trump unveiled his bold new idea: 50-year mortgages for all Americans. In a world of uncertainty, one thing remains constant — Trump’s unwavering commitment to having the American people’s best interest at heart. For the past decade or so, small towns across the nation have seen a surge of unaffordable condominiums and townhomes sprouting up faster than campaign promises. Previously out of reach for most millennials, Trump has flipped that concept on its head. By spreading payments across the rest of their natural lives, young Americans can finally take comfort in knowing they’ll have at least one predictable monthly bill — from now until death (or foreclosure, whichever comes first). We spoke with local economist Dr. Greta Cashwell, author of “Fifty Shades of Interest: The Mature Loan Market,” who explained: “We’re calling them ‘Cougar Loans’ because they’ve got high interest and zero shame.” At press time, we were applying for...

  Photo Credit: The White House by Bone Jawnson WASHINGTON, DC > In a shocking twist no one saw coming — except everyone — former President Donald J. Trump announced his groundbreaking universal health care plan this morning. In a Saturday post on Truth Social, Trump proposed simply giving every American a big pile of cash so they can buy their own health care, effectively merging economics, generosity, and wishful thinking into one convenient policy. “Finally, some common sense seems to have flowed into this administration,” one supporter commented. The national consensus of “just give them money” appears to align bigly with Trump’s past negotiation style. At press time, our neighbor was overheard saying, “Finally, our President is using common sense — empowering the community to control and maintain wealth, not private companies.”