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America’s Newest Cougars: 50-Year-Old Mortgages Seen Flirting With Freshly Built Condos

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  by Bone Jawnson LANSDALE, PA — This week, President Trump unveiled his bold new idea: 50-year mortgages for all Americans. In a world of uncertainty, one thing remains constant — Trump’s unwavering commitment to having the American people’s best interest at heart. For the past decade or so, small towns across the nation have seen a surge of unaffordable condominiums and townhomes sprouting up faster than campaign promises. Previously out of reach for most millennials, Trump has flipped that concept on its head. By spreading payments across the rest of their natural lives, young Americans can finally take comfort in knowing they’ll have at least one predictable monthly bill — from now until death (or foreclosure, whichever comes first). We spoke with local economist Dr. Greta Cashwell, author of “Fifty Shades of Interest: The Mature Loan Market,” who explained: “We’re calling them ‘Cougar Loans’ because they’ve got high interest and zero shame.” At press time, we were applying for...
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BREAKING: Donald Trump Invents Socialist Universal Healthcare

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  Photo Credit: The White House by Bone Jawnson WASHINGTON, DC > In a shocking twist no one saw coming — except everyone — former President Donald J. Trump announced his groundbreaking universal health care plan this morning. In a Saturday post on Truth Social, Trump proposed simply giving every American a big pile of cash so they can buy their own health care, effectively merging economics, generosity, and wishful thinking into one convenient policy. “Finally, some common sense seems to have flowed into this administration,” one supporter commented. The national consensus of “just give them money” appears to align bigly with Trump’s past negotiation style. At press time, our neighbor was overheard saying, “Finally, our President is using common sense — empowering the community to control and maintain wealth, not private companies.”
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Board of Moms Allows Trystyn As Child's Name; Queyleigh Was Voted Down

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  Photo Credit: Pexels by Bone Jawnson In a stunning turn of events, the Pennsylvania Board of Moms has officially approved the use of “Rylyn” as a child’s name, while voting down “Queyleigh.” The decision came after a month-long heated debate that raged through September as children returned to school and parents, once again, roamed local Facebook groups unsupervised. The name was originally proposed as “Rylin,” but critics claimed it leaned too gender-specific. The Board swiftly reconvened to ensure district covens were supplied with a name as gender-neutral as possible. Opposition did arise, however, from local conservatives lobbying for the more “traditional” option, “Breydan.” Area class-C minivan driver Rebecca Faye—known to her MLM downline as Bexx —voiced her dissent: “I should be able to have name choice. That’s a fact I learned from YouTube.” At press time, we had reached out to the Board of Moms leader for comment but were somehow talked into purchasing a starter kit of ...
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Poppy’s Tavern Brings Back Hot Dog So Delicious, It Qualifies as a Local Landmark

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HATFIELD, PA – October 2025 – Poppy’s Tavern, a flagship Hatfield, PA destination, is proud to announce the return of one of its most sought-after fall menu items: the “Crick Foot Long Dog.” This seasonal belly-busting favorite pays homage to the local cryptid legend Crick Foot and his rumored appetite for “succulent tubular meats.” The lore of this mysterious creature was documented by local filmmaker and bespoke hot dog advocate Bone Jawnson in his 2024 cult-favorite documentary, "The Legend of Crick Foot" , which is available to stream for free [ here ]. The Crick Foot Long Dog is a supersized hot dog topped with Poppy’s famous homemade chili, cheddar cheese, crispy bacon, and jalapeño peppers —a true Hatfield original that blends comfort food with cryptid folklore. “We love keeping local tradition alive while serving up something unforgettable,” said a representative from Poppy’s Tavern. “The Crick Foot Long Dog isn’t just food—it’s a piece of Hatfield culture.” Join the ...
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Local Man Threatens Doorknob Mechanism He's Trying To Install

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  Photo credit: Pexels by Bone Jawnson LANSDALE, PA > Local town crier and amateur sidewalk runner Nicky Romano was overheard last Wednesday night cursing the inventor of doorknob mechanisms. Nicky—well-known for his powerful personal affirmations—was attempting to swap out a broken doorknob with a new one. After returning home from the hardware store, he was aghast at the unnecessarily complicated nature of the mechanism. "I wish I could bring back to life the inventor of this infernal thing and bop them over the head with a bocce ball," he declared. Despite his track record of questionable swap attempts, Nicky was convinced this one would be different—that the doorknob would slide in with no problem. Instead, the problems sprang up like a tent pitched by an eager Don Juan. At press time, Nicky was spotted on 5th Street, sweatband firmly in place, pausing mid-stride to snap a triumphant selfie.
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Local Man Sighs As He Sits At Lansdale Train Crossing

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  Photo Credit: Brett Sayles by Bone Jawnson LANSDALE, PA > Last Wednesday evening, local Class C driver and organ donor Joseph Callahan let out a heavy sigh as he sat at the intersection of Fifth Street and Cannon Avenue, waiting for a freight train to lumber past. This wasn’t Joseph’s first run-in with our area’s most notorious time thief. Just last month, he found himself stuck at that random train crossing on Orvilla Road in Hatfield Township—right in the middle of the day, on his way to a podiatrist appointment. “It just kept moving back and forth! Where was it going? What was it doing?!” Joseph exclaimed as we commiserated about the always-untimely freight shuffle that seems to exist purely to test the patience of area residents. Having moved to the North Penn area only five years ago, Joseph Callahan was completely unprepared for the iron maze he’d unknowingly signed up for. Allegedly, his real estate agent forgot to mention the night-and-day steel traps that spring shut ...
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Hatfield Social Media Influencer Can’t Stop Talking About ALDI’s Dill Pickle Mustard

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  Photo Credit: Bone Jawnson By Bone Jawnson A few days ago, local social media influencer Bone Jawnson took to his usual bi-weekly trip to the land where it all makes sense: Aldi. Upon shopping for—yet again—another bottle of the culinary delicacy, ketchup, he stumbled upon a featured new item from the Burman’s brand: Dill Pickle Mustard. Needless to say, Bone is extremely well-versed in condiments, specifically hot dog condiments. His favorites include brown mustard and sauerkraut, or yellow mustard and coleslaw—a true tubular meat aficionado. We caught up with Bone to see what his hot take is on the new Dill Pickle Mustard offering from the greatest grocery store this side of Orvilla Road. “You know, I was initially confused, then intrigued. Then I cracked a sinister smile, knowing that this condiment would hold supreme reign on the top right-side shelf in my refrigerator.” At press time, Bone was engaged in a mad-scientist-like experiment, stirring Dill Pickle Mustard into his ...
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