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Local Man Sighs As He Sits At Lansdale Train Crossing

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  Photo Credit: Brett Sayles by Bone Jawnson LANSDALE, PA > Last Wednesday evening, local Class C driver and organ donor Joseph Callahan let out a heavy sigh as he sat at the intersection of Fifth Street and Cannon Avenue, waiting for a freight train to lumber past. This wasn’t Joseph’s first run-in with our area’s most notorious time thief. Just last month, he found himself stuck at that random train crossing on Orvilla Road in Hatfield Township—right in the middle of the day, on his way to a podiatrist appointment. “It just kept moving back and forth! Where was it going? What was it doing?!” Joseph exclaimed as we commiserated about the always-untimely freight shuffle that seems to exist purely to test the patience of area residents. Having moved to the North Penn area only five years ago, Joseph Callahan was completely unprepared for the iron maze he’d unknowingly signed up for. Allegedly, his real estate agent forgot to mention the night-and-day steel traps that spring shut ...
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Hatfield Social Media Influencer Can’t Stop Talking About ALDI’s Dill Pickle Mustard

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  Photo Credit: Bone Jawnson By Bone Jawnson A few days ago, local social media influencer Bone Jawnson took to his usual bi-weekly trip to the land where it all makes sense: Aldi. Upon shopping for—yet again—another bottle of the culinary delicacy, ketchup, he stumbled upon a featured new item from the Burman’s brand: Dill Pickle Mustard. Needless to say, Bone is extremely well-versed in condiments, specifically hot dog condiments. His favorites include brown mustard and sauerkraut, or yellow mustard and coleslaw—a true tubular meat aficionado. We caught up with Bone to see what his hot take is on the new Dill Pickle Mustard offering from the greatest grocery store this side of Orvilla Road. “You know, I was initially confused, then intrigued. Then I cracked a sinister smile, knowing that this condiment would hold supreme reign on the top right-side shelf in my refrigerator.” At press time, Bone was engaged in a mad-scientist-like experiment, stirring Dill Pickle Mustard into his ...
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Area Fact Checker, Absent From Every Supervisor Meeting Since 2018, Declares Township in Crisis

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  Photo from Pexels By Bone Jawnson HATFIELD, PA> Local town expert and self-appointed fact-checker Earl Hargrove is supremely upset about the proposed housing development planned for a 23.8-acre farm in a township adjacent to Hatfield, Pennsylvania. In the past year, the beloved farm and tourist destination closed a deal with developers that will bring 58 new town-homes to the former dairy property. Earl, who has not attended a township supervisors meeting since 2018, remains firmly convinced that he does not want “those people” invading the new construction. By “those people,” Earl clarified, he means people in general. Over the years, Earl has become quite the armchair supervisor, voicing his opinions in local Facebook community groups. He has accomplished what he proudly refers to as “God’s work” — all while having no experience in city planning, land development, zoning ordinances, or code enforcement. At press time, Earl was also reported to be sick of the music blasting f...
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Local Drawer Knob Out to Destroy Local Man’s Pocket

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 Photo from Pexels By Bone Jawnson HATFIELD, PA> In a stunning turn of events, a locally made bespoke drawer knob had finally had enough of its owner’s persistent habit of shoving spatulas into its storage compartment and getting them stuck. Tired of being yanked on and manhandled, the drawer knob plotted revenge just as its owner, Dave, and his wife were in the middle of an argument about where to store a recently purchased case of water from the local grocery store. In a fit of suburban, husbandy indignation, Dave whipped around mid-rebuttal. At that moment, the drawer knob latched onto Dave’s pocket, clung tight, and ripped the seam clean off. "You've gotta be fuckin' kidding me," Dave exclaimed.  At press time, Dave was searching “how to sew” on YouTube while his wife looked on.
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