Outrageously Obvious News

  Photo Credit: Pexels by Bone Jawnson In a stunning turn of events, the Pennsylvania Board of Moms has officially approved the use of “Rylyn” as a child’s name, while voting down “Queyleigh.” The decision came after a month-long heated debate that raged through September as children returned to school and parents, once again, roamed local Facebook groups unsupervised. The name was originally proposed as “Rylin,” but critics claimed it leaned too gender-specific. The Board swiftly reconvened to ensure district covens were supplied with a name as gender-neutral as possible. Opposition did arise, however, from local conservatives lobbying for the more “traditional” option, “Breydan.” Area class-C minivan driver Rebecca Faye—known to her MLM downline as Bexx —voiced her dissent: “I should be able to have name choice. That’s a fact I learned from YouTube.” At press time, we had reached out to the Board of Moms leader for comment but were somehow talked into purchasing a starter kit of ...

HATFIELD, PA – October 2025 – Poppy’s Tavern, a flagship Hatfield, PA destination, is proud to announce the return of one of its most sought-after fall menu items: the “Crick Foot Long Dog.” This seasonal belly-busting favorite pays homage to the local cryptid legend Crick Foot and his rumored appetite for “succulent tubular meats.” The lore of this mysterious creature was documented by local filmmaker and bespoke hot dog advocate Bone Jawnson in his 2024 cult-favorite documentary, "The Legend of Crick Foot" , which is available to stream for free [ here ]. The Crick Foot Long Dog is a supersized hot dog topped with Poppy’s famous homemade chili, cheddar cheese, crispy bacon, and jalapeño peppers —a true Hatfield original that blends comfort food with cryptid folklore. “We love keeping local tradition alive while serving up something unforgettable,” said a representative from Poppy’s Tavern. “The Crick Foot Long Dog isn’t just food—it’s a piece of Hatfield culture.” Join the ...

  Photo credit: Pexels by Bone Jawnson LANSDALE, PA > Local town crier and amateur sidewalk runner Nicky Romano was overheard last Wednesday night cursing the inventor of doorknob mechanisms. Nicky—well-known for his powerful personal affirmations—was attempting to swap out a broken doorknob with a new one. After returning home from the hardware store, he was aghast at the unnecessarily complicated nature of the mechanism. "I wish I could bring back to life the inventor of this infernal thing and bop them over the head with a bocce ball," he declared. Despite his track record of questionable swap attempts, Nicky was convinced this one would be different—that the doorknob would slide in with no problem. Instead, the problems sprang up like a tent pitched by an eager Don Juan. At press time, Nicky was spotted on 5th Street, sweatband firmly in place, pausing mid-stride to snap a triumphant selfie.

  Photo Credit: Brett Sayles by Bone Jawnson LANSDALE, PA > Last Wednesday evening, local Class C driver and organ donor Joseph Callahan let out a heavy sigh as he sat at the intersection of Fifth Street and Cannon Avenue, waiting for a freight train to lumber past. This wasn’t Joseph’s first run-in with our area’s most notorious time thief. Just last month, he found himself stuck at that random train crossing on Orvilla Road in Hatfield Township—right in the middle of the day, on his way to a podiatrist appointment. “It just kept moving back and forth! Where was it going? What was it doing?!” Joseph exclaimed as we commiserated about the always-untimely freight shuffle that seems to exist purely to test the patience of area residents. Having moved to the North Penn area only five years ago, Joseph Callahan was completely unprepared for the iron maze he’d unknowingly signed up for. Allegedly, his real estate agent forgot to mention the night-and-day steel traps that spring shut ...

  Photo Credit: Bone Jawnson By Bone Jawnson A few days ago, local social media influencer Bone Jawnson took to his usual bi-weekly trip to the land where it all makes sense: Aldi. Upon shopping for—yet again—another bottle of the culinary delicacy, ketchup, he stumbled upon a featured new item from the Burman’s brand: Dill Pickle Mustard. Needless to say, Bone is extremely well-versed in condiments, specifically hot dog condiments. His favorites include brown mustard and sauerkraut, or yellow mustard and coleslaw—a true tubular meat aficionado. We caught up with Bone to see what his hot take is on the new Dill Pickle Mustard offering from the greatest grocery store this side of Orvilla Road. “You know, I was initially confused, then intrigued. Then I cracked a sinister smile, knowing that this condiment would hold supreme reign on the top right-side shelf in my refrigerator.” At press time, Bone was engaged in a mad-scientist-like experiment, stirring Dill Pickle Mustard into his ...

  Photo from Pexels By Bone Jawnson HATFIELD, PA> Local town expert and self-appointed fact-checker Earl Hargrove is supremely upset about the proposed housing development planned for a 23.8-acre farm in a township adjacent to Hatfield, Pennsylvania. In the past year, the beloved farm and tourist destination closed a deal with developers that will bring 58 new town-homes to the former dairy property. Earl, who has not attended a township supervisors meeting since 2018, remains firmly convinced that he does not want “those people” invading the new construction. By “those people,” Earl clarified, he means people in general. Over the years, Earl has become quite the armchair supervisor, voicing his opinions in local Facebook community groups. He has accomplished what he proudly refers to as “God’s work” — all while having no experience in city planning, land development, zoning ordinances, or code enforcement. At press time, Earl was also reported to be sick of the music blasting f...

 Photo from Pexels By Bone Jawnson HATFIELD, PA> In a stunning turn of events, a locally made bespoke drawer knob had finally had enough of its owner’s persistent habit of shoving spatulas into its storage compartment and getting them stuck. Tired of being yanked on and manhandled, the drawer knob plotted revenge just as its owner, Dave, and his wife were in the middle of an argument about where to store a recently purchased case of water from the local grocery store. In a fit of suburban, husbandy indignation, Dave whipped around mid-rebuttal. At that moment, the drawer knob latched onto Dave’s pocket, clung tight, and ripped the seam clean off. "You've gotta be fuckin' kidding me," Dave exclaimed.  At press time, Dave was searching “how to sew” on YouTube while his wife looked on.